There is a strange notion that we have adopted into our way of thinking when it comes to communication. We say that women, in a generic sense are better communicators than men, because we talk more. To say that, we are actually implying that the definition of communication is to 'get your point across'. Now, what would happen if a man and a woman were in a dialogue and they both were 'effective' communicators, according to our implied definition of communication? Both would be getting their points across, and no one would be listening! The truth therefore, is that the true definition of communication is where you have learned to not only express what's on your heart in an effective manner, but also have mastered the skill of listening; and I don't mean hearing, but listening.
So many relationships between family members, couples and friends break down all because someone was doing too much talking, and not listening; or they were listening, but not talking; or they were just hearing. Let me paint a scenario of what I mean on the difference of listening and hearing:
Victoria has had a hard few days at home with the kids, and in seeking some relief and comfort from her husband Joe, she says the following words: "Joe, I feel like such a failure as a mother. The kids have been misbehaving and not listening to me; I burnt their food twice this week while being distracted with their annoyances; I'm not even sticking to my schedule with them; and it seems as if I lost my patience with them everyday this week."
Then Joe replies: "You shouldn't let the kids get to you like that." Then he gives her a list of Scriptures and quotes from the Spirit of Prophecy that speak against the 'sins' she has listed: impatience, annoyance, not being scheduled, etc... In seeking to 'fix' her problem, he lists suggestions on how to tackle the children's issues that have arisen in the week.
Now, no doubt that Joe is a loving husband, seeking to help his wife overcome, but was he really listening to her or was he merely hearing her?
He was hearing her. Joe heard the list of areas that she was struggling with and addressed the fruit, rather than the root. If Joe was listening, he would have been able to read behind her words, and realise that what Victoria didn't need was a storm of rebuke, correction or a 'fixit' response to her heart's cry. He would have discerned that behind her words, was a discouraged wife who simply needed re-assuring, re-affirming, and accepting words from her husband.
In this communication exercise, you will be trained to be an accurate listener, by understanding what is really being said; to validate what the other is expressing; and to express empathy for the other person's feelings. Okay, let's go!
1. APPROPRIATE TIME
Choose who is going to send a message, and who will be the recipient. The sender should begin the dialogue by saying something like: "I would like to have some time to commuinicate with you. Is now okay?" In a real life case, if it is not possible for the recipient to do so now, then schedule a time with them that is more convenient.
2. SENDER SHARES
The sender should take a few minutes to share what he/she wants the receiver to hear. The message should always begin with and continue with 'I' sentences, which will express the thoughts and feelings of the sender. This is not about blaming, name calling or absolutes, but a simple and neutral expression on how you are feeling and thinking.
3. MIRROR
The receiver, from time to time should mirror what is being said by making sure they are listening correctly. They should say something like: "If I received that correctly, you are saying...." Then allow the sender to continue until they have finished sending their message.
4. SUMMARIZE
Now, the recipient is to summarize all that the sender has been sharing, starting with: "Okay, I just want to see if I got that..." Once the receiver has completed his summary, he should seek for confirmation on if he has received it correct. Make sure the understanding is correct, for that will help with the next step...
5.VALIDATE
The receiver is to validate the message by saying something like: "I can see what you are saying, because...." Don't misunderstand me, validation doesn't mean that you have to agree with what the sender is saying. It is simply seeing something from their perspective, and understanding how they came to that conclusion, even though you may disagree with it. Letting the sender know that what they have shared makes sense, communicates to them that they are not crazy, and that you respect their view point on things. At the end of the validation check to see if the sender feels validated. If not, repeat the whole process until there's peace on that.
6. EMPATHY
This is the part where the receiver enters into the feelings of the sender by saying such like: "I can imagine you might be feeling..." or "I can see that you have felt..." Since you cannot be sure to what another is feeling, be sure to check for accuracy by asking, "Am I right, in my understanding on how you are feeling?" If the sender shares other feelings that the receiver didn't pick up, then the latter should ask, "Is there more about that feeling which you want to share?"
7. RECEIVER RESPONDS
Once those steps have been successfully accomplished, now is the time for the receiver to let the sender know that he would like to respond. The receiver now becomes the sender.
Sounds simple, huh? It's often the little, simple things that we overlook, which end up causing strife, division in our relationships. This may feel quite cumbersome and uneasy at first, but the more you cultivate it, and the more you see your relationships improve and take off, the more it will nestle in as second nature.
ATTENTION: IN A REAL LIFE SITUATION DO NOT ATTEMPT TO APPLY THESE PRINCIPLES WITHOUT PRAYING IN YOUR HEART.
James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.
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